My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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