ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
