fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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