Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
