Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
