sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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