you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
