So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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