Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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