I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
