Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
