A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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