Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Randomize
