I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
