I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
