The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
