dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
