Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
