I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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