Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
