sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
They have beer where we have blood.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
