why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
