I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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