At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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