Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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