Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
