Non-Jews are for practice
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
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