Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
