can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
