my being single is dangerous.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
