Can Purell be used as lube?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
