can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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