my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
