I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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