I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Randomize
