I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
