1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
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