You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
