did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
