I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
