Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
