im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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