Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize