After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
