you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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