Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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