The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
