if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
