Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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