I want to walk on stilts...naked
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Randomize
