two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
