is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
