I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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