allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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