If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
