i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
