Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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