i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
