My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I came so hard my ears popped.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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