hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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