there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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