Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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